HairClub Hires Two New Hucksters

Warning to balding men and women worldwide: 

HairClub has hired two new hucksters to peddle its preventatives and remedies around the globe.

The two new hires are Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Boris Johnson and disgraced ex-President of the United States Donald J. Trump. The terms of Trump’s contract allow him to also peddle Bronx Colors, a treatment that turns his skin orange.

To present a coordinated color scheme, Johnson’s light blond mane harmonizes with his pinkish face, while Trump’s sprayed-to-stick orange coif closely matches his color-treated skin.

The two men are known for their similar bombastic styles and their ability to lie with impunity. Those characteristics make them ideal salesmen.

HairClub press releases emphasize that their products work for hair of any color. They claim that only hair growth, not hair or skin color, is affected. These claims are to allay customers’ fears that their hair and skin color will change to match Johnson’s or Trump’s.

For those Caucasian customers who want to emulate Johnson’s skin color, HairClub recommends complete avoidance of sunlight. To mimic Trump’s skin color, HairClub commends Bronx Colors, the Swiss facial makeup brand. It can be supplemented with tanning-bed sessions, depending on individual customers’ facilities and schedules.

A disclaimer in the HairClub press release points out the irony of Trump’s using Bronx Colors, saying he was born and grew up in Queens.

Blakespear Looks Forward to Goodson Groundbreaking

Hacked communication: 

Randy, I know you’ve been into building your colossal apartment house for a long time and have put a lot of money into it, but I have to urge you to accept that now is just not the right time for us to approve it. The opposition group is very strong and really have their ducks in a row. There’s unusually high awareness in the larger community simply because of the enormous size of your project. Add to that its awkward location and the many problems it poses. I mean, gee whiz, you can’t ignore putting thousands of people’s lives in danger!

But the overriding problem is the timing. Two other council members and I have elections coming up. What do you think the chances are of any of us winning if we vote to approve a project — that’s your project, Randy — that’s a blatant, opportunistic manipulation of state laws and local ordinances and, consequently, is on very shaky legal grounds?

Plus, the optics aren’t good. The massive building doesn’t fit its location physically or conceptually as part of the community. On top of that, while claiming to benefit low income people, you’ve shoehorned those tiny units into the worst locations in the building. And, Randy, even I have to say that your claim of doing Olivenhain and Encinitas a favor by plopping your colossus on the corner of Rancho Santa Fe Road and Encinitas Boulevard is transparently silly and offensive. And by the way, you don’t own half the width of Rancho Santa Fe Road. That claim is absurd.

Randy, you know I supported SB9 and SB10, and I opposed and tried to kill Prop A — including suing my constituents. I pushed Measures T and U through when I knew they were unpopular and wouldn’t pass. I force-fed approval of the Housing Element. I support and continue to torture residents with things like the Cycle Trap, Leucadia Streetscape and that huge, oddly named imposition on the north Leucadia bluffs. I’ve betrayed residents in virtually every way possible — even worse than Barth, Shaffer, Kranz and Mosca. People compare Stocks favorably with me for cripe’s sake!

So all this is to say that for you to expect me to vote for your overwhelming apartment house now is a bridge way too far. I must ask you to back off. I must ask you to delay. The primary for my state Senate election is in June 2022. The general election is that November. If I win the Senate seat, I’ll still have local influence that, combined with my newfound state power, will let me get your project greenlighted. I’ll be able to say I regret its unprecedented height and mass and the evacuation dangers it poses, but that it does help fulfill our housing mandate, including those tiny affordable units. After you make some sleight-of-hand adjustments, I can say it complies with state laws and local ordinances. I can say my hands are tied, I must abide by the law. I can take advantage of the fact that voters have short memories.

Randy, the council never uses common sense to guide its decisions, so it’s ironic I’m asking you to use yours now. Be patient, you’ll get what you want. I’ll be at your groundbreaking with a gold shovel.

Lisa Bartlett

Catherine Blakespear

California District 36 Senate Race Rumored to Be Heating Up

The June primary is eight months away, and the November general election is more than a year from now. The field of candidates is rumored to be filling out. 

First to announce was Carlsbad City Council Member Priya Bhat-Patel. Sadly for vocal local Democrats, she dropped out months later.

Next to announce was Encinitas Mayor Catherine Blakespear. Sadly for some vocal local Democrats, the controversial Blakespear is hanging in there.

Apparently not wanting to yield the seat without a fight, Orange County Supervisor Lisa Bartlett, the stealth Republican candidate, is poised to jump in.

Blakespear, as mayor of Encinitas and chair of SANDAG, and Bartlett, as former mayor of Dana Point and current county supervisor, have comparable résumés.

Blakespear is the Democratic Party’s anointed one. Her list of endorsements by fellow Democratic politicians is as long as your left arm.

Bartlett holds the county supervisorial seat formerly held by Republican Pat Bates, who is the current but termed-out senator in District 36. It seems a safe assumption that Bates will back Bartlett when and if she declares her candidacy. Bartlett endorsed Larry Elder during the September attempt to recall Governor Gavin Newsom, so there’s that.

Assuming that Bartlett runs, unless other formidable candidates appear before the June primary, Blakespear and Bartlett will take the two spots on the ballot and go head to head in November 2022.

As of February 10, 2021, there were 620,236 registered voters in the district. Of those, 34.18% were Democrats, 35.57% were Republicans, and the remainder were independent or scattered among other parties.

The redistricting that will precede the primary election is not expected to change the district’s statistics much. In 2018, incumbent Bates kept the seat by a 3% margin.

At post time, it looks like a tight race next year.

City Council Bans Farting in Encinitas

The City Council has banned natural gas in Encinitas. The ban is not retroactive, so residents needn’t worry about past offenses.

Going forward, however, residents can expect to be monitored by the city’s crackerjack code enforcement department. Because Covid-19 and its variants are still a looming presence, the department will temporarily use Zoom to monitor residents and to issue warnings and citations.

The ban applies to silent but deadly farts as well as trumpet and tuba farts. Wet farts will be dealt with severely.

The Encinitas Grocers and Restaurateurs Council (EGRC) reported plunging sales of beans and chili. The economic damage has not yet been calculated.

Mayor Catherine Blakespear and Councilman Joe Mosca issued a joint statement to explain the farting-ban ordinance and its justification:

“We would like to begin by quoting Medical News Today, a noted authority: ‘Endogenous gas consists mainly of hydrogen and, for some people, methane. It can also contain small amounts of other gases, such as hydrogen sulfide, which make farts smell bad.’

“In the vernacular, farting is often called ‘blowing a raspberry.’ Whether cited in popular or scientific vocabulary, farts are offensive to victims while providing relief to practitioners. 

"And as W. H. Auden said, ‘Most people enjoy the sight of their own handwriting as they enjoy the smell of their own farts.’

“However, the more important and overriding concerns are the motivating force behind the city ordinance. Those concerns are the offensive noise and odor of most farts, and their addition of methane and hydrogen sulfide to the atmosphere.

“While hydrogen sulfide is not a greenhouse gas, climate and environmental scientists are concerned about its levels in the atmosphere. Methane is widely known to be more than 25 times as potent as carbon dioxide at trapping heat in the atmosphere.

“The ordinance banning farting is an important component of the city’s Climate Action Plan, which has CAP as its meaningful acronym.

“In closing, I will add a personal request: Please contribute to my campaign for state Senate in District 36 and vote for me in the June 2022 primary so I can advance to the November general election. Thank you.”