HairClub Hires Two New Hucksters

Warning to balding men and women worldwide: 

HairClub has hired two new hucksters to peddle its preventatives and remedies around the globe.

The two new hires are Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Boris Johnson and disgraced ex-President of the United States Donald J. Trump. The terms of Trump’s contract allow him to also peddle Bronx Colors, a treatment that turns his skin orange.

To present a coordinated color scheme, Johnson’s light blond mane harmonizes with his pinkish face, while Trump’s sprayed-to-stick orange coif closely matches his color-treated skin.

The two men are known for their similar bombastic styles and their ability to lie with impunity. Those characteristics make them ideal salesmen.

HairClub press releases emphasize that their products work for hair of any color. They claim that only hair growth, not hair or skin color, is affected. These claims are to allay customers’ fears that their hair and skin color will change to match Johnson’s or Trump’s.

For those Caucasian customers who want to emulate Johnson’s skin color, HairClub recommends complete avoidance of sunlight. To mimic Trump’s skin color, HairClub commends Bronx Colors, the Swiss facial makeup brand. It can be supplemented with tanning-bed sessions, depending on individual customers’ facilities and schedules.

A disclaimer in the HairClub press release points out the irony of Trump’s using Bronx Colors, saying he was born and grew up in Queens.