Encinitas Resort Infested With Bedbugs and Crabs

A crowd of unwelcome visitors has descended upon the Mom & Pop Resort in the northwestern Encinitas community of Leucadia.

Normally any hotel would welcome guests with open arms, suites, restaurants, pools and spas. But these visitors are insects — bedbugs and crabs to be exact. The infestation spread with unusual speed and thoroughness. Human guests reported sightings, crawlings and bites in every nook and cranny of the hotel and their bodies.

Knowing the persistence, resilience and stealth of bedbugs, Mom & Pop were quick to bring in Acme Fumigators. At post time, the bedbug infestation was said to have gone down to defeat.

To be clear, the crabs were not the kind you find on the beach — either burrowed into the sand or in the ocean itself. These crabs are far more personal. They are extremely small, and they infest people’s nether regions. In a quite amazing survival strategy, they lay even-smaller eggs called nits that wrap themselves around individual pubic hairs.

Being astute observers, Mom & Pop recognized that ridding the resort and its human guests of crabs and nits was not a job for Acme Fumigators. Accordingly, Mom & Pop provided complimentary bottles of Nix® and luxurious nit combs. 

During personal instruction sessions, resort personnel cautioned hotel guests to closely follow the Nix® directions and demonstrated nitpicking on anatomically correct manikins.

To facilitate the crab- and nit-riddance process, Mom & Pop provided complimentary magnifying glasses, hand mirrors and tweezers.

Just before post time, resort spokesperson Gary Indiana reported that not only was the crabs infestation under control but completely eliminated. Indiana apologized for the inconvenience, admitted that not even imposing, overpriced resorts are immune from insect infestations, and offered affected guests credits and complimentary future stays.