“It’s not enough that some gringo fruit hawker exploits my ethnicity to sell bananas,” said Chiquita Banana. “Now it’s Juan Valdez groping me at a trade show in Panama.”
According to Banana, when she and Valdez separately attended a Latin American commerce trade show in Panama City, Valdez made unwanted advances that included groping Banana in an elevator. Valdez has denied the allegation.
“I did no such thing,” said Valdez. “I’m a happily married man with children and a donkey. I stick to growing coffee beans. I saw Chiquita Banana at the trade show but didn’t speak to her and was not in an elevator with her.”
Panamanian authorities have taken statements from Banana and Valdez and will continue to investigate. However, with no coffee-stain evidence on Banana’s clothing or person and no witness to confirm Banana’s account, it’s doubtful charges will be forthcoming.
“No charges?” said Banana, “That’s outrageous! I’ll charge Valdez in a song!”
I’m Chiquita Banana and I’ve come to say
Señor Valdez shouldn’t touch me in sexy way
When hands are stained with brown but not a British tea
They’re coffee-grower’s paws to keep away from me
You can put them in the soil — You can work them as you toil
Hands in pairs are yours to use with — But never yours to abuse with
As Chiquita Banana I need my personal space in an elevator
Away from Juan Valdez on the moon or near the equator.
